


Catch Me As I Drop

by Edith_Dover



Category: LoveLink (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, liam park - Freeform, lovelink, min-Jae lee - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 11:21:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29683185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Edith_Dover/pseuds/Edith_Dover
Summary: Some divergence from the actual story. I was intrigued by the whole Amanda story line and wanted to take it a little further.Title is a work in progress (taken from the song Liam/Min-Jae sang at the award show)
Relationships: Liam Park/female character
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1 (Liam)

I don’t know why I kept doing this to myself. It’s almost like I enjoyed the torture. The stabbing pain through my heart when I see his face, the rage and heat that burns through my whole body when I see her. To say she’d broken us up single handedly would be a lie, and far to much credit for her. However, that said she was the catalyst that caused us to implode. Her name is Amanda, she’s the president of the fan club - the largest fan club in the world, there are more members in that club than there are people in some small countries, and they seem to hang on to her every words and wait for every update she posts. And here I am, hanging on her every word and waiting for every update she posts.

  
A few weeks ago I’d been so exited to join Liam on his tour. I knew it wouldn’t be easy with his insanely obsessive fans and his stringently intense managers and contract, but generally all had been fine. Amanda had also been there too, as new president of the fan club (and no 1 crazy obsessive fan). Despite her neuroticism, she is also incredibly smart. She dragged me through the dirt publicly and came out smelling of roses. Her ability to switch personalities depending on who was in the room with such comfort and ease was chilling. She could switch from cutesy bestie to threatening psychopath once a member of Heli(x) was out of ear shot - so perfectly no one really believed me. Not even Liam.

  
Following a PR nightmare caused by Liam and I staying in the same hotel room, I experienced my unfair share of insults and abuse. Liam and I agreed to take a break for a while. Not from the relationship, but just until the storm died down. Amanda played it all to her own strengths and made sure I was well and truly sullied. Every time I went online there was something else about me. Amanda had a lot to say to lots of jealous fans who were more than happy to revel in my misery. I was accused of trying to break up the band, making him late for rehearsals, telling him what to say in interviews (truth is most of the time he was told what to say, but not by me).  
It’s been 4 months now and I’ve heard nothing at all from Liam. All I wanted was to know he missed me, to know he didn’t regret what we went through together. What I really wanted was a confession of his undying love and how he can’t bare to be without me anymore. But that’s just me being selfish. Even if he had tried to do that directly I wouldn’t know. The powers the be at Helix managed to get my number blocked and had me band from any and all platforms I could contact him on. His social media I gathered wasn’t him anyway. It was ran by part of their team. When I got home I had to create a new email, new Instagram... everything. They’d deleted his number from my phone.

  
I’m ashamed to admit that after 12 weeks of radio silence, I joined the Heli(x) fan club (H-DNA), under a false name of course. I’d have never been allowed access if they knew who I was. So many of them hated me and danced in the streets when they realised I was no longer in the picture. I’m sure no one danced harder than Amanda. Thankfully by the time I’d joined I was old news to them. They weren’t making threats and insults anymore. Occasionally a very unflattering meme would pop up. The worst ones being the how it started how it’s going ones where Liam and I are together - me mid blink, him looking stressed and sick of everyone’s shit (how it started) and then either a picture of him literally on fire preforming, or with the warmest smile with a fan (how it’s going). These hurt the worst because I knew that in those short few weeks together Liam was super stressed about the whole thing. I’m sure his life really is easier now.  
I thought by now I’d be over it and moved on, but actually I found myself become more obsessive; checking Twitter, Instagram, YouTube daily. No not daily - hourly. Mindlessly opening each app, scrolling, searching, closing, next app scrolling, searching etc. I watched every new video, pausing, freeze framing - looking for something. I read every interview, each word, each letter, trying to read in between the lines for some sort of acknowledgment. I’d become a crazed super fan. The one thing I despised the most.  
There was never anything of course. This was a band that was manufactured and micromanaged to a painful degree. There were hardly ever any mistakes, nothing was off the cuff. All pre-rehearsed. It was hard to watch. Almost like I’d fantasised it all. The man I’d fallen for seemed to no longer exist. I mean he was there. I could see him, but he himself seemed repressed, like the factory reset button had been pressed the day we agreed to break up. Now he was a good little idol. I’m sure his fans and his managers couldn’t be happier. I just hoped he was too.

“Are you sure you want to go?” A voice breaks me from my trans like state as I stare at another picture of Liam backstage with the rest of the band, posted by Amanda who is there with them, holding up a peace sign and leaning for too close to Liam for my comfort. I zoom in, and I study every inch of him. I stop at the nook between his shoulder and his head, remembering resting so comfortably there. I tried to remember what it felt like and what it smelt like. This was something I did a lot to try and refresh the memory and not let it go. It felt so distant now.  
“Yes! Definitely yes!” I eventually replied.  
“Alright!” Sighs my friend Alicia, “As long as you think it’s the right thing to do.” She states in a tone that lets me know quite clearly that she doesn’t think we should go.  
We’re off to the city. Helix are on a talk show tonight and we’re leaving early to try and get in the audience.  
“If I can just get Liam to see me, then I’ll know if he’s no longer interested or if he’s been trying to get hold of me too!”  
“Mmhmm” she‘s heard my reasoning a hundred times. “But can this be it? Like, if he’s moved on please leave it. It’s too much drama girl. You aren’t that type of girl. You don’t need this shit in your life. I’ll find you a new man. One who isn’t half way across the planet 10 months of the year and who doesn’t have an army of teenage girls who are ready to spill some girlfriend blood.”  
I smile at what was supposed to be a joke, but the reality is just that. I know she’s right. There’s just something about him that’s so special. This feels unfinished.

We arrive around lunch time and join the queue. There’s about a hundred people in front of us.  
“Thanks for doing this, I know it’s a long time to stand and wait for something you’re not into.” I say suddenly feeling sorry that I dragged her along to this.  
“You just remember which one of your friends didn’t bail on you!” Most of my friends were over my new found obsession. “If any drama happens though we’re off, okay?”  
“Yeah there won’t be any drama. It’s just a tv show”. At least I hope not.  
“What is it about him anyway? I thought you said you weren’t into him that much when you first started talking.” When Liam and I first matched on Lovelink, the truth is I had no idea who he was, and I wasn’t really that interested. But the I met him, his sweet nature shone through and he instantly made me feel safe and special. The more I got to know him the more I realised I really cared for him and in some weird way I feel like he needs me.  
“I don’t know, he’s so sweet and beautiful! He makes me feel so special and I feel this need to help him and protect him. Is that weird?”  
“Oh” she says knowingly.  
“Oh? What do you mean oh?!”  
“Nothing. Just you seem to love getting involved with guys who need a saviour.” I feel instantly defensive, “you know like the time you tried to help bust that guy out of jail, or the one who..”  
“Yeah okay thanks Alicia, you can stop.” She’s probably right. Again.  
After a couple of hours of waiting in the line, Alicia decides to get us some coffee. She’d been gone about half an hour when she returned with a cup each and a donut.  
“A donut?! You’re the best you know that?”  
Her face does not share the same enthusiasm as mine “I think you’ve been spotted!”  
“What?” I say, half a donut stuffed in my mouth.  
“Some girls down there, I heard them talking about ‘Liam’s ex’, ‘what is she doing here?!’, ‘now she has to queue like the rest of us’ Etc etc.”  
I try to look down the line. But it’s not obvious who it was. There’s a few looking at me.  
“Fuck, just keep quite and don’t draw attention to yourself.” Alicia warns.  
About 40 minutes later they start letting people in. I pick up my cup of cold coffee to dump in the trash on my way in. Shortly after as the queues go down I see some security coming out of the building with a suited man, he looks like one of the managers, and a young woman. Someone I recognise and my heart triples in speed.  
“That’s her” I say as a try to turn away while also keeping my eye on them.  
“Who?” Alicia asks looking at literally everyone around us.  
I jerk my head “That’s Amanda.”  
“No drama” Alicia warns again. I’m not sure I can keep that promise much longer.

Amanda is talking to the security guards. She looks down the line of us and spots me.  
I feel my face get hot as I realise what she’s doing. The security guard bends a little and she says something in his ear while pointing at me. The manager nods and the security guard stomps over, expecting me to be intimidated by his large frame.  
“Excuse me ma’am but I’m afraid you have been asked to leave.” He says sternly.  
“No!” I say staying put and looking straight ahead.  
“For security reasons I have been asked to remove you from the premessis.”  
I close my eyes while I try to calm myself. I open them again and look at Amanda’s smirk.  
“For what reason?” I say, hearing my voice begin to quiver with rage. Alicia is saying my name begging me to keep calm.  
“I understand you previously harassed some of the band member.”  
My nose flares like a bull seeing red, as I turn to look at the guard.  
“Everyone is looking!” Alicia adds, she goes to step over the rope ready to leave “Let’s just go”  
“Harassed?” I find myself yelling. How dare he accuse me of harassing them.  
The guard grabs my arm to escort me away as he realises I’m not going to leave without a fight.  
“The only person whose been harassed here is me by that bitch over there,” I point to Amanda. “and all these fucking fans!” I hear lots of whispering around me and notice a bunch of phones pointed at me.  
“Oh my God stop!” Alicia yells.  
“Okay, you’re leaving!”. The guard says as he effortlessly picks me up by the waist and carried me over the rope. In the corner of my eye I see that Amanda is laughing, I manage to throw my cold coffee in her direction. It hits the ground and splashes all over her white shoes and up the managers trouser leg.  
“Put me down please!” I scream as I kick. “Just let me see Liam!” Amanda and the manager walk back inside.  
He carries me away and puts me back down at the road. He blocks me from heading back that way. I notice there are hot tears in my eyes.  
“Let’s just go.” Alicia demands. She’s not happy with me at all. “This is why everyone else ditched you. You need to snap out of it girl. It’s over.” She starts to hail down a cab while I sit on the curb with my head in my hands.


	2. Chapter 1 (Liam)

I don’t know why I kept doing this to myself. It’s almost like I enjoyed the torture. The stabbing pain through my heart when I see his face, the rage and heat that burns through my whole body when I see her. To say she’d broken us up single handedly would be a lie, and far to much credit for her. However, that said she was the catalyst that caused us to implode. Her name is Amanda, she’s the president of the fan club - the largest fan club in the world, there are more members in that club than there are people in some small countries, and they seem to hang on to her every words and wait for every update she posts. And here I am, hanging on her every word and waiting for every update she posts.  
A few weeks ago I’d been so exited to join Min-Jae on his tour. I knew it wouldn’t be easy with his insanely obsessive fans and his stringently intense managers and contract, but generally all had been fine. Amanda had also been there too, as new president of the fan club (and no 1 crazy obsessive fan). Despite her neuroticism, she is also incredibly smart. She dragged me through the dirt publicly and came out smelling of roses. Her ability to switch personalities depending on who was in the room with such comfort and ease was chilling. She could switch from cutesy bestie to threatening psychopath once a member of Heli(x) was out of ear shot - so perfectly no one really believed me. Not even Min-Jae.  
Following a PR nightmare caused by Min-Jae and I staying in the same hotel room, I experienced my unfair share of insults and abuse. Min-Jae and I agreed to take a break for a while. Not from the relationship, but just until the storm died down. Amanda played it all to her own strengths and made sure I was well and truly sullied. Every time I went online there was something else about me. Amanda had a lot to say to lots of jealous fans who were more than happy to revel in my misery. I was accused of trying to break up the band, making him late for rehearsals, telling him what to say in interviews (truth is most of the time he was told what to say, but not by me).  
It’s been 4 months now and I’ve heard nothing at all from Min-Jae. All I wanted was to know he missed me, to know he didn’t regret what we went through together. What I really wanted was a confession of his undying love and how he can’t bare to be without me anymore. But that’s just me being selfish. Even if he had tried to do that directly I wouldn’t know. The powers the be at Helix managed to get my number blocked and had me band from any and all platforms I could contact him on. His social media I gathered wasn’t him anyway. It was ran by part of their team. When I got home I had to create a new email, new Instagram... everything. They’d deleted his number from my phone.  
I’m ashamed to admit that after 12 weeks of radio silence, I joined the Helix fan club (H-DNA), under a false name of course. I’d have never been allowed access if they knew who I was. So many of them hated me and danced in the streets when they realised I was no longer in the picture. I’m sure no one danced harder than Amanda. Thankfully by the time I’d joined I was old news to them. They weren’t making threats and insults anymore. Occasionally a very unflattering meme would pop up. The worst ones being the how it started how it’s going ones where Min-Jae and I are together - me mid blink, him looking stressed and sick of everyone’s shit (how it started) and then either a picture of him literally on fire preforming, or with the warmest smile with a fan (how it’s going). These hurt the worst because I knew that in those short few weeks together Min-Jae was super stressed about the whole thing. I’m sure his life really is easier now.  
I thought by now I’d be over it and moved on, but actually I found myself become more obsessive; checking Twitter, Instagram, YouTube daily. No not daily - hourly. Mindlessly opening each app, scrolling, searching, closing, next app scrolling, searching etc. I watched every new video, pausing, freeze framing - looking for something. I read every interview, each word, each letter, trying to read in between the lines for some sort of acknowledgment. I’d become a crazed super fan. The one thing I despised the most.  
There was never anything of course. This was a band that was manufactured and micromanaged to a painful degree. There were hardly ever any mistakes, nothing was off the cuff. All pre-rehearsed. It was hard to watch. Almost like I’d fantasised it all. The man I’d fallen for seemed to no longer exist. I mean he was there. I could see him, but he himself seemed repressed, like the factory reset button had been pressed the day we agreed to break up. Now he was a good little idol. I’m sure his fans and his managers couldn’t be happier. I just hoped he was too. 

“Are you sure you want to go?” A voice breaks me from my trans like state as I stare at another picture of Min-Jae backstage with the rest of the band, posted by Amanda who is there with them, holding up a peace sign and leaning for too close to Min-Jae for my comfort. I zoom in, and I study every inch of him. I stop at the nook between his shoulder and his head, remembering resting so comfortably there. I tried to remember what it felt like and what it smelt like. This was something I did a lot to try and refresh the memory and not let it go. It felt so distant now.  
“Yes! Definitely yes!” I eventually replied.  
“Alright!” Sighs my friend Alicia, “As long as you think it’s the right thing to do.” She states in a tone that lets me know quite clearly that she doesn’t think we should go.  
We’re off to the city. Helix are on a talk show tonight and we’re leaving early to try and get in the audience.  
“If I can just get Min-Jae to see me, then I’ll know if he’s no longer interested or if he’s been trying to get hold of me too!”  
“Mmhmm” she‘s heard my reasoning a hundred times. “But can this be it? Like, if he’s moved on please leave it. It’s too much drama girl. You aren’t that type of girl. You don’t need this shit in your life. I’ll find you a new man. One who isn’t half way across the planet 10 months of the year and who doesn’t have an army of teenage girls who are ready to spill some girlfriend blood.”  
I smile at what was supposed to be a joke, but the reality is just that. I know she’s right. There’s just something about him that’s so special. This feels unfinished.

We arrive around lunch time and join the queue. There’s about a hundred people in front of us.  
“Thanks for doing this, I know it’s a long time to stand and wait for something you’re not into.” I say suddenly feeling sorry that I dragged her along to this.  
“You just remember which one of your friends didn’t bail on you!” Most of my friends were over my new found obsession. “If any drama happens though we’re off, okay?”  
“Yeah there won’t be any drama. It’s just a tv show”. At least I hope not.  
“What is it about him anyway? I thought you said you weren’t into him that much when you first started talking.” When Min-Jae and I first matched on Lovelink, the truth is I had no idea who he was, and I wasn’t really that interested. But the I met him, his sweet nature shone through and he instantly made me feel safe and special. The more I got to know him the more I realised I really cared for him and in some weird way I feel like he needs me.  
“I don’t know, he’s so sweet and beautiful! He makes me feel so special and I feel this need to help him and protect him. Is that weird?”  
“Oh” she says knowingly.  
“Oh? What do you mean oh?!”  
“Nothing. Just you seem to love getting involved with guys who need a saviour.” I feel instantly defensive, “you know like the time you tried to help bust that guy out of jail, or the one who..”  
“Yeah okay thanks Alicia, you can stop.” She’s probably right. Again.  
After a couple of hours of waiting in the line, Alicia decides to get us some coffee. She’d been gone about half an hour when she returned with a cup each and a donut.  
“A donut?! You’re the best you know that?”  
Her face does not share the same enthusiasm as mine “I think you’ve been spotted!”  
“What?” I say, half a donut stuffed in my mouth.  
“Some girls down there, I heard them talking about ‘ Min-Jae‘a ex’, ‘what is she doing here?!’, ‘now she has to queue like the rest of us’ Etc etc.”  
I try to look down the line. But it’s not obvious who it was. There’s a few looking at me.  
“Fuck, just keep quite and don’t draw attention to yourself.” Alicia warns.  
About 40 minutes later they start letting people in. I pick up my cup of cold coffee to dump in the trash on my way in. Shortly after as the queues go down I see some security coming out of the building with a suited man, he looks like one of the managers, and a young woman. Someone I recognise and my heart triples in speed.  
“That’s her” I say as a try to turn away while also keeping my eye on them.  
“Who?” Alicia asks looking at literally everyone around us.  
I jerk my head “That’s Amanda.”  
“No drama” Alicia warns again. I’m not sure I can keep that promise much longer. 

Amanda is talking to the security guards. She looks down the line of us and spots me.  
I feel my face get hot as I realise what she’s doing. The security guard bends a little and she says something in his ear while pointing at me. The manager nods and the security guard stomps over, expecting me to be intimidated by his large frame.  
“Excuse me ma’am but I’m afraid you have been asked to leave.” He says sternly.  
“No!” I say staying put and looking straight ahead.  
“For security reasons I have been asked to remove you from the premessis.”  
I close my eyes while I try to calm myself. I open them again and look at Amanda’s smirk.  
“For what reason?” I say, hearing my voice begin to quiver with rage. Alicia is saying my name begging me to keep calm.  
“I understand you previously harassed some of the band member.”  
My nose flares like a bull seeing red, as I turn to look at the guard.  
“Everyone is looking!” Alicia adds, she goes to step over the rope ready to leave “Let’s just go”  
“Harassed?” I find myself yelling. How dare he accuse me of harassing them.  
The guard grabs my arm to escort me away as he realises I’m not going to leave without a fight.  
“The only person whose been harassed here is me by that bitch over there,” I point to Amanda. “and all these fucking fans!” I hear lots of whispering around me and notice a bunch of phones pointed at me.  
“Oh my God stop!” Alicia yells.  
“Okay, you’re leaving!”. The guard says as he effortlessly picks me up by the waist and carried me over the rope. In the corner of my eye I see that Amanda is laughing, I manage to throw my cold coffee in her direction. It hits the ground and splashes all over her white shoes and up the managers trouser leg.  
“Put me down please!” I scream as I kick. “Just let me see Min-Jae!” Amanda and the manager walk back inside.  
He carries me away and puts me back down at the road. He blocks me from heading back that way. I notice there are hot tears in my eyes.  
“Let’s just go.” Alicia demands. She’s not happy with me at all. “This is why everyone else ditched you. You need to snap out of it girl. It’s over.” She starts to hail down a cab while I sit on the curb with my head in my hands.


	3. Chapter 2 (Liam)

That night the whole thing was all over the fan club page and reposted a few hundred times on Instagram and Twitter. It was painful to watch myself acting all crazy, kicking and screaming, accusing every ‘fucking’ fan of harassment and throwing coffee at Amanda, from several different angles. As embarrassing as it was it still somehow felt justified. Amanda posted the first one of course:  
“Thank you for the tip off from you lot about this one being in the queue for the show tonight. We need to be vigilant to keep our boys safe.”  
Followed by lots of laughing emoji responses from an army of fans, as well as little personal digs.  
“I think if it wasn’t already clear that she is a little crazy, and not fit to be around Liam, we all know for sure now.”  
“So cringe, acting like a child! What did Liam see in her. For real though?”  
Ashamed and embarrassed I could not watch the show that night. And it was just as well, Liam didn’t make an appearance. For whatever reason he was not there, which was really strange as he is the lead vocalist.  
“Maybe he was a little shook up from what happened outside” another helpful fan had posted. I really hoped that wasn’t the case, but I knew as much as anyone that it could be. I wasn’t sure if I’d hoped he had seen the clip or not.

It’s been a couple of weeks since that day. Alicia hasn’t really spoken to me since then either, and I’ve resumed my position of obsessively checking everything. If anything good came of this, it was that the next day Amanda announced that she could no longer be president of the fan club. I don’t really know why, but I imagine it had something to do with the scene that she helped create outside the show, and then posting about it. I haven’t heard anymore of her since then. In many ways I’m thrilled she’s gone, obviously! She ruined a good thing and made my life a misery. In other ways I felt like I had unfinished business with her too. I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but it sure would feel good to wipe that smug little grin off her face.

I get to see him tonight - in real time!! There’s an award show and they are nominated for 2 awards. I’ll watch it live, it’ll be exhilarating to watch him in the moment, knowing exactly what he’s doing in those minutes and seconds. I catch my reflection in the mirror as I walk past thinking of this. The woman looking back it me is someone I barely recognise, but that’s me?! God, what’s wrong with me? Have I actually become this depressive and obsessive? I look at the dark circles under my eyes. My hair hasn’t been brushed in a few days. My skin looks a little neglected. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I peer down to the rest of me. A tracksuit - again. I can’t remember choosing to put this on. In fact I can’t remember the last time I did anything to give myself a boost. I turn back to my room and get in the shower. Fuck the award show. I’m going out!

I text my friends as I come out of the shower.  
“Wow it’s good to hear from you it’s been a while. Sorry I can’t tonight, bit short notice. Next week? Tash x”  
And  
“Where am I supposed to get a babysitter from at this short notice?!l”  
I’m disappointed but not surprised. I can’t drop people and expect them to pick up with an hours notice. Without realising I automatically begin my cycle of apps. I’m scrolling and I see him, them, the whole band in tuxedos looking unbelievable! He’s in the centre, fixing his cuff links. I realise I’m searching for him again. I close the app, hold it down, delete, I do it to Twitter, then Facebook. I put on a hot girl playlist and start covering up this unloved skin. I’m still going out. I’m dressed now! I’m determined.

***

As I approach the bar I realise the determined strut I left with house with, has digressed to an uncomfortable shuffle. Why am I doing this alone? This is a bad idea, why couldn’t I have just waited until next week?! I’m here now, I can’t just leave, so I order myself a drink and sit alone. This isn’t normal is it? I sip my wine, so I’ll at ease with my own company in such a busy place. It’s so glaring obvious I’m here alone, I can’t pretend to wait for someone, it’d be even more tragic when no one turns up. I forget how couples meet each other, but perhaps Alicia was right, I need to meet someone else. I drum my fingers on the table for a while, avoiding alert contact with anyone who comes close. That’s not helpful, I know, but it’s an instant reaction. I get out my phone. Another message, from Alicia this time.  
“Soz. Jus seen. Out of town 2nite. Hav fun”.  
I roll my eyes. She’s so cold with me since that day. I really miss having a friend to talk to.

I deleted everything off my phone earlier. I can’t even pretend to have a buzzing social life. I put it away. Take another sip. Liam’s image in his tuxedo flashes into my subconscious. I think of his dark eyes and his soft lips and how perfectly he wore that suit. I watch the people in the bar around me. Boys on a big night out. Girls taking shots at the bar. Some couples being overly affectionate, in a public place! The thought seems so risky to me. Liam and I could never... I stop myself from thinking about it. I’m here to not think about Liam. I sit in my own awkwardly silent company for a few more minutes before I impulsively get my phone out of my bag, open the App Store and start to redownload Instagram.

“Err hi!” a voice calls.  
I look up. A blonde guy stood at the end of my table, looking as awkward as I feel with a blue sweater on and his sleeves rolled up. I smile and put my phone away.  
“I’m Tyler,” he says, “do you need some company? I’m kind of third wheel tonight.” He gestures to a handsome couple, the man wears a buttoned down shirt which draws attention to his defined jaw line, clenched as it seems he’s having a little dispute with his red headed date. She has the most beautifully smooth hair I’ve ever seen, but she’s making angry gestures in our direction. She looks outraged that Tyler came over to me. Maybe she’s one of them with a vendetta against me.  
“That would be great!” I say. We talk for a bit, he asks me the usual small talk, the kind of stuff I hate, my name, my job, the weather.  
“So how come you’re alone? Waiting for someone?” He asks.  
“No! I just needed a break from the house you know? Everyone is busy with their own thing, I just needed a change of scenery.” He’s barley listening. He looks back at his bickering buddies. “You worried about them?” I ask.  
“Huh? Oh no. They just.. nothing. So anyway... What do you do for a living?” He asks again.  
“...Still a hair stylist. Just like I was when you asked 2 minutes ago.”  
He pauses as he registers my answer. “God! I’m so sorry. I have a lot on my mind and I’m being so rude I really apologise.”  
“It’s okay. If it makes you feel any better I do to.”  
We both turn to his friend as we hear them argue but can’t quite make out what they’re saying. The girl gets up and storms off. The man looks over at Tyler and shrugs defeatedly.  
“I’d best go and see if he’s alright. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes. Another drink?” I nod. “Same again?”  
“Yes please.”  
He walks over to the bar and waits for his order. I check myself in my compact. What was I thinking tonight?! What did I expect coming out on my own? The only guy who shows me any interest, is barely interested and only came over to avoid a lovers tiff. He’s with his friend now. I put my mirror away, a quick check of my phone. When I look back over, he’s gone. Fucking great. Just the boost I needed tonight. I start collecting my things to go.

“I think this might be yours.” His friend is at the table carrying my drink and his own “I’m sorry Tyler left in kind of a hurry”. He sits himself down.  
“Is this some kind of speed dating exercise?” I ask. He laughs. He tells me his name is Hugo and all about how his friend wants to meet someone but something is holding him back all the time. He says he burdens himself with his and his fiancé’s relationship too much. That’s where he went, to comfort her. I look at him with a raised eyebrow. He reads it for exactly what it is, awkwardly smiling as he brushes it off as ‘we’re all close, best buds, blah blah.’  
Conversation flowed much better with Hugo. As they so often do with men on fully committed relationships. It starts to get late.  
“Shit, I should go.” I say as I realise the room is spinning a little and I have to get home alone. He insists on walking me home.

As we walk we start delving a little deeper into the complexities of his relationship. I’m not sure if he’s choosing not to or just genuinely doesn’t realise he’s caught in a love triangle. Part way through the walk we pass a group of young girls. They’re whispering and pointing. Then I hear one say “You know who I mean, the one who dated Liam Park from Helix.” She said it loud enough to see if I’d react.  
Hugo gasps “You dated Liam Park from Helix?” He jests. “Who’s Liam Park form Helix?” We both laugh.  
“He’s a singer in a band. We dated for a while. It was really complicated and it ended kind of messy and abruptly.” I say and hope that that is sufficient information.  
“Are they famous?”  
“Yeah a bit. They have the worlds biggest fan club. No biggie I guess.”  
He laughs “Guess I’ve been living under a rock. So it ended messy? How so?”  
“The world‘s biggest fan club didn’t like me too much.” Hugo pulls a grimaced face.  
“Ah I see.” He says. He thinks for a moment and is about to ask another question.  
“This is my home!” I interrupt before I have to delve any further into the painful past again. I thank him and wish him well. He asks for my number to pass on to Tyler.  
I snort “I really don’t think it’s MY number he wants”  
“I’m sure he does. If not then at least give me your number so he can apologise. Please?”  
I feel sorry for him. I give him my number.  
“He needn’t apologise.” I say as I type my number into his phone “In fact I’d rather you kept it for yourself.”  
Hugo smiles. His dimples more pronounced as he tries to conceal it. He puts his phone away in his back pocket and his shirt stretches a little across his chest, defining the shape of him a little more. “It was lovely to meet you.” He turns to walk away and then pauses to look back and adds “Tyler really missed out.”  
I laugh and roll my eyes. “Goodnight” we both say.

I step into the house and think for a moment. Hugo was so hot! I finally admit to myself. Alicia would have been thrilled to hear me say that, to break out of my bubble and realise there are others out there. I feel slightly regretful that I held back, but then he was in a relationship after all. A messy one to say the least. I wonder if I’d have invited him in if he was single.

I kick off my shoes and flop on the couch. I get my phone out and open Instagram. A short clip, of them. It’s muted. They’re getting up from their table. People are clapping and they are walking towards the stage to accept their reward. I sit up. They look happy. Apart from Liam. I zoom in on his face, he looks bored rather than unhappy. He shrinks to the back of the group while the others accept the award. The video starts again. They stand up, people are clapping... She’s there! At their table. She puts her hand on his arm as he turns to walk to the stage. I watch it through. It starts again. She’s sat next to him. Looks straight to him when their name is announced. He smiles at her and gets up. She puts her hand on his arm. What is Amanda doing there?! I watch it 20 times over.


	4. Chapter 2 (Min-Jae)

That night the whole thing was all over the fan club page and reposted a few hundred times on Instagram and Twitter. It was painful to watch myself acting all crazy, kicking and screaming, accusing every ‘fucking’ fan of harassment and throwing coffee at Amanda, from several different angles. As embarrassing as it was it still somehow felt justified. Amanda posted the first one of course:  
“Thank you for the tip off from you lot about this one being in the queue for the show tonight. We need to be vigilant to keep our boys safe.”  
Followed by lots of laughing emoji responses from an army of fans, as well as little personal digs.  
“I think if it wasn’t already clear that she is a little crazy, and not fit to be around Min-Jae, we all know for sure now.”  
“So cringe, acting like a child! What did Min-Jae see in her. For real though?”  
Ashamed and embarrassed I could not watch the show that night. And it was just as well, Min-Jae didn’t make an appearance. For whatever reason he was not there, which was really strange as he is the lead vocalist.  
“Maybe he was a little shook up from what happened outside” another helpful fan had posted. I really hoped that wasn’t the case, but I knew as much as anyone that it could be. I wasn’t sure if I’d hoped he had seen the clip or not.

It’s been a couple of weeks since that day. Alicia hasn’t really spoken to me since then either, and I’ve resumed my position of obsessively checking everything. If anything good came of this, it was that the next day Amanda announced that she could no longer be president of the fan club. I don’t really know why, but I imagine it had something to do with the scene that she helped create outside the show, and then posting about it. I haven’t heard anymore of her since then. In many ways I’m thrilled she’s gone, obviously! She ruined a good thing and made my life a misery. In other ways I felt like I had unfinished business with her too. I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but it sure would feel good to wipe that smug little grin off her face.

I get to see him tonight - in real time!! There’s an award show and they are nominated for 2 awards. I’ll watch it live, it’ll be exhilarating to watch him in the moment, knowing exactly what he’s doing in those minutes and seconds. I catch my reflection in the mirror as I walk past thinking of this. The woman looking back it me is someone I barely recognise, but that’s me?! God, what’s wrong with me? Have I actually become this depressive and obsessive? I look at the dark circles under my eyes. My hair hasn’t been brushed in a few days. My skin looks a little neglected. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I peer down to the rest of me. A tracksuit - again. I can’t remember choosing to put this on. In fact I can’t remember the last time I did anything to give myself a boost. I turn back to my room and get in the shower. Fuck the award show. I’m going out!

I text my friends as I come out of the shower.  
“Wow it’s good to hear from you it’s been a while. Sorry I can’t tonight, bit short notice. Next week? Tash x”  
And  
“Where am I supposed to get a babysitter from at this short notice?!l”  
I’m disappointed but not surprised. I can’t drop people and expect them to pick up with an hours notice. Without realising I automatically begin my cycle of apps. I’m scrolling and I see him, them, the whole band in tuxedos looking unbelievable! He’s in the centre, fixing his cuff links. I realise I’m searching for him again. I close the app, hold it down, delete, I do it to Twitter, then Facebook. I put on a hot girl playlist and start covering up this unloved skin. I’m still going out. I’m dressed now! I’m determined.

***

As I approach the bar I realise the determined strut I left with house with, has digressed to an uncomfortable shuffle. Why am I doing this alone? This is a bad idea, why couldn’t I have just waited until next week?! I’m here now, I can’t just leave, so I order myself a drink and sit alone. This isn’t normal is it? I sip my wine, so I’ll at ease with my own company in such a busy place. It’s so glaring obvious I’m here alone, I can’t pretend to wait for someone, it’d be even more tragic when no one turns up. I forget how couples meet each other, but perhaps Alicia was right, I need to meet someone else. I drum my fingers on the table for a while, avoiding alert contact with anyone who comes close. That’s not helpful, I know, but it’s an instant reaction. I get out my phone. Another message, from Alicia this time.  
“Soz. Jus seen. Out of town 2nite. Hav fun”.  
I roll my eyes. She’s so cold with me since that day. I really miss having a friend to talk to.

I deleted everything off my phone earlier. I can’t even pretend to have a buzzing social life. I put it away. Take another sip. Min-Jae‘A image in his tuxedo flashes into my subconscious. I think of his sparkling eyes and his soft lips and how perfectly he wore that suit. I watch the people in the bar around me. Boys on a big night out. Girls taking shots at the bar. Some couples being overly affectionate, in a public place! The thought seems so risky to me. Min-Jae and I could never... I stop myself from thinking about it. I’m here to not think about Min-Jae. I sit in my own awkwardly silent company for a few more minutes before I impulsively get my phone out of my bag, open the App Store and start to redownload Instagram.

“Err hi!” a voice calls.  
I look up. A blonde guy stood at the end of my table, looking as awkward as I feel with a blue sweater on and his sleeves rolled up. I smile and put my phone away.  
“I’m Tyler,” he says, “do you need some company? I’m kind of third wheel tonight.” He gestures to a handsome couple, the man wears a buttoned down shirt which draws attention to his defined jaw line, clenched as it seems he’s having a little dispute with his red headed date. She has the most beautifully smooth hair I’ve ever seen, but she’s making angry gestures in our direction. She looks outraged that Tyler came over to me. Maybe she’s one of them with a vendetta against me.  
“That would be great!” I say. We talk for a bit, he asks me the usual small talk, the kind of stuff I hate, my name, my job, the weather.  
“So how come you’re alone? Waiting for someone?” He asks.  
“No! I just needed a break from the house you know? Everyone is busy with their own thing, I just needed a change of scenery.” He’s barley listening. He looks back at his bickering buddies. “You worried about them?” I ask.  
“Huh? Oh no. They just.. nothing. So anyway... What do you do for a living?” He asks again.  
“...Still a hair stylist. Just like I was when you asked 2 minutes ago.”  
He pauses as he registers my answer. “God! I’m so sorry. I have a lot on my mind and I’m being so rude I really apologise.”  
“It’s okay. If it makes you feel any better I do to.”  
We both turn to his friend as we hear them argue but can’t quite make out what they’re saying. The girl gets up and storms off. The man looks over at Tyler and shrugs defeatedly.  
“I’d best go and see if he’s alright. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes. Another drink?” I nod. “Same again?”  
“Yes please.”  
He walks over to the bar and waits for his order. I check myself in my compact. What was I thinking tonight?! What did I expect coming out on my own? The only guy who shows me any interest, is barely interested and only came over to avoid a lovers tiff. He’s with his friend now. I put my mirror away, a quick check of my phone. When I look back over, he’s gone. Fucking great. Just the boost I needed tonight. I start collecting my things to go.

“I think this might be yours.” His friend is at the table carrying my drink and his own “I’m sorry Tyler left in kind of a hurry”. He sits himself down.  
“Is this some kind of speed dating exercise?” I ask. He laughs. He tells me his name is Hugo and all about how his friend wants to meet someone but something is holding him back all the time. He says he burdens himself with his and his fiancé’s relationship too much. That’s where he went, to comfort her. I look at him with a raised eyebrow. He reads it for exactly what it is, awkwardly smiling as he brushes it off as ‘we’re all close, best buds, blah blah.’  
Conversation flowed much better with Hugo. As they so often do with men on fully committed relationships. It starts to get late.  
“Shit, I should go.” I say as I realise the room is spinning a little and I have to get home alone. He insists on walking me home.

As we walk we start delving a little deeper into the complexities of his relationship. I’m not sure if he’s choosing not to or just genuinely doesn’t realise he’s caught in a love triangle. Part way through the walk we pass a group of young girls. They’re whispering and pointing. Then I hear one say “You know who I mean, the one who dated Min-Jae Lee from Helix.” She said it loud enough to see if I’d react.  
Hugo gasps “You dated Min-Jae Lee from Helix?” He jests. “Who’s Min-Jae Lee form Helix?” We both laugh.  
“He’s a singer in a band. We dated for a while. It was really complicated and it ended kind of messy and abruptly.” I say and hope that that is sufficient information.  
“Are they famous?”  
“Yeah a bit. They have the worlds biggest fan club. No biggie I guess.”  
He laughs “Guess I’ve been living under a rock. So it ended messy? How so?”  
“The world‘s biggest fan club didn’t like me too much.” Hugo pulls a grimaced face.  
“Ah I see.” He says. He thinks for a moment and is about to ask another question.  
“This is my home!” I interrupt before I have to delve any further into the painful past again. I thank him and wish him well. He asks for my number to pass on to Tyler.  
I snort “I really don’t think it’s MY number he wants”  
“I’m sure he does. If not then at least give me your number so he can apologise. Please?”  
I feel sorry for him. I give him my number.  
“He needn’t apologise.” I say as I type my number into his phone “In fact I’d rather you kept it for yourself.”  
Hugo smiles. His dimples more pronounced as he tries to conceal it. He puts his phone away in his back pocket and his shirt stretches a little across his chest, defining the shape of him a little more. “It was lovely to meet you.” He turns to walk away and then pauses to look back and adds “Tyler really missed out.”  
I laugh and roll my eyes. “Goodnight” we both say.

I step into the house and think for a moment. Hugo was so hot! I finally admit to myself. Alicia would have been thrilled to hear me say that, to break out of my bubble and realise there are others out there. I feel slightly regretful that I held back, but then he was in a relationship after all. A messy one to say the least. I wonder if I’d have invited him in if he was single.

I kick off my shoes and flop on the couch. I get my phone out and open Instagram. A short clip, of them. It’s muted. They’re getting up from their table. People are clapping and they are walking towards the stage to accept their reward. I sit up. They look happy. Apart from Min-Jae. I zoom in on his face, he looks bored rather than unhappy. He shrinks to the back of the group while the others accept the award. The video starts again. They stand up, people are clapping... She’s there! At their table. She puts her hand on his arm as he turns to walk to the stage. I watch it through. It starts again. She’s sat next to him. Looks straight to him when their name is announced. He smiles at her and gets up. She puts her hand on his arm. What is Amanda doing there?! I watch it 20 times over.


End file.
